Reading 'The Very Bloody History of Britain'
Read the text "Native Britons" and "The Cunning Celts", then do the task after the texts choosing the best items to complete the sentences.

You will probably agree that history may be either a dull or an exciting subject depending on how it is presented. In his book "The Very Bloody History of Britain" John Farman makes an attempt to write about British history in a humorous way. "I'd like this account of history to be enjoyed," he says. See for yourself how successful he is.
Native Britons     Our ancestors were a pretty scruffy, lazy lot, spending most of their time hanging around waiting for history to begin. They only ate what stumbled right in front of them and, unlike their posh relatives in the south of France and Spain, didn't even try to cheer up their caves by painting those daft-looking animals on their walls. Mind you, there are some amongst us, mentioning no names, who believe they did the caves a favour!
    However, when really at a loose end, they did do strange things with huge stones; stacking them in circles or lines like those at Stonehenge or Avebury, probably for no better reason than to drive everyone crazy centuries later trying to work out why they did it.
    Eventually, the first tourists started turning up. These swarthy continentals didn't have to go through Customs. No ships, no ports - therefore no Customs. They didn't even have to state how long they intended staying. This began in 4000 years ВС, give or take a century. In those days they always said ВС after the date. "B" stood for "before" and "C" stood for "Christ". God knows how they knew he was coming.
    Simply the fact that they turned up in boats of some kind proves that the new visitors had more brains than the poor old native Britons, which wasn't difficult. They proceeded to invent clothes, wheels, refrigerators (only joking) and very sharp iron spears which made stabbing our poor forefathers (and fore-mothers) much quicker and easier.
    Meanwhile (and these dates always seem to cause fights among historians):

1, 400,000 ВС - An unknown apeman lit the first fire. 500,000 ВС - First "upright" man made a sort of tool out of a bit of flint. 25,000 ВС - Someone dropped a bit of meat in the fire and discovered it tasted better. 20,000 ВС - Wheel invented but proved pretty useless until someone invented another one. 10,000 ВС - Weapons used for killing animals and each other. 8600 ВС - Someone planted a seed and discovered he could eat what it grew into. 8400 ВС - First domesticated dog in North America. Sorry, but I don't know his name. 5000 ВС - Sea filled up between Britain and Europe (Hooray!). 2500 ВС - Skis invented in Norway. No package holidays till much later however. 1500 ВС - Bronze Age hit Britain. 600 ВС - Welshman invented the first proper boat - a coracle. It was made from skin stretched over a wooden frame. Amazingly, they've only just stopped using them!

The Cunning Celts     Once the new visitors began to settle in, life went quite smoothly until England was invaded properly for the first time by the Celts. They came here in 650 ВС from Central Europe apparently looking for tin (олово) - please don't ask me why! The Celts were tall, blond and blue-eyed and so got all the best girls right away. This, of course, annoyed the poor Britons even more, but there was not much they could do about it as they only had sticks and fists to fight with. The Celts set up home in the south of England building flash wooden forts which the poor boneheaded locals could only mill around in awe and envy.
    Now England wasn't too bad a place to live for the next few hundred years (if you were tall, blue-eyed and blond). Then in 55 ВС the late great Julius Caesar - star of stage and screen - arrived with a couple of legions from Rome, Italy. The refined Romans were repelled, in more ways than one, by the crude Celts. They did, however, come back a year later with a much bigger, better-equipped army - and guess what - were repelled again.
______________
    Stonehenge - a group of very large, tall stones put in circles which stand on Salisbury Plain, South England. They were put there in prehistoric times, perhaps as a religious sign or perhaps as a way to study the sun, the moon and stars. Some people think that they were used for religious ceremonies by Druids, although this is not generally accepted by scientists.Stonehenge is a popular tourist attraction.


    Avebury - another prehistoric site in South England, where there is a large ring of standing stones.
    package holiday - a completely planned holiday, which includes travel, hotel, meals, etc. Such holidays are arranged by travel agencies.



    coracle - a small light round boat, built like a basket, sometimes used by fishermen on Irish and Welsh lakes.





Exercise 1: In each sentence choose the correct word.
1. Prehistoric Britons ... painted animals on the walls of their caves.
        a) often b) sometimes c) never
2. Native Britons learned to use boats ... people from the continent.
        a)before b) together with c) after
3. Historians ... about the dates given by the author.
         a) agree b) disagree c) are unanimous
4. Celts' culture was ... that of Native Britons.
        a) more advanced than b) less advanced than c) as advanced as
5. The Roman invasion had ... stage(s).
         a) one b) two c) more than two

Exercise 2. Look at the texts in exercise again and say in what way the following ideas are expressed in them.
    1. Our forefathers were rather untidy, lazy people spending most of their time doing nothing waiting for history to begin.
    2. They only ate what they found by accident and, unlike their relatives who consider that they are people of a high social class...
    3. ...those silly-looking animals on their walls.
    4. Mind you, there are some amongst us... who believe that they did good to the caves.
    5. However, when they really had nothing to do, they did do strange things with huge stones putting them so that they stand one on top of another in circles or lines...
    6. ...probably for no better reason than to drive everyone crazy centuries later trying to understand why they did it.
    7. With time the first tourists started turning up. These dark-skinned continentals didn't have to go through Customs... They didn't even have to state how long they meant to stay.
    8. This began in 4000 years ВС, a century more, a century less.
    9. ...the new visitors had more brains than the poor old native Britons.
    10. Later they invented clothes, wheels, refrigerators... and very sharp iron weapon like a stick with a pointed end which made killing our poor forefathers (and foremothers) with this sharp weapon much quicker and easier.
    11. First "upright" man made a sort of tool out of a bit of a hard grey stone.
    12. The Celts set up home in the south of England building new and impressive-looking wooden forts which the poor stupid locals could only walk about in a confused way in great respect and admiration mixed with fear and envy.
    13. Then in 55 ВС great Julius Caesar, who is dead now... arrived with a couple of legions from Rome, Italy.
    14. The cultured and polite Romans were forced to stop attacking and move back... by impolite Celts behaving in an offensive way.

Exercise 3. The texts "Native Britons" and "The Cunning Celts" contain some serious historic facts presented in a humorous form. What are they? How could you say the same in a serious "scientific" way?

Exercise 4. The texts use a lot of informal words. Can you find some of them? What effect do they produce in a history book?